The Royal Air Force is no place for an artist. One day this guy, Ralph Barnby as I recall, showed up and said he was some sort of camouflage officer. He started painting everything in sight; he was such a damned nuisance, but Barnby took a lot of pride in his work. He was always around the airport with a can of paint in one hand and a brush in the other. He never seemed quite satisfied and was always changing the look of some airplane or building just a little bit. He made my Wimpy, a Vickers Wellington that is, look like some kind of whore wearing too much make up. I didn’t like it very much. It’s not dignified for an airplane to have too much paint, but Barnby insisted it was necessary. Now a Wimpy doesn’t exactly look graceful, and it wasn’t as pretty as the later Lancasters, but it had its own sort of ugly-duckling beauty. But after Barnby got through with my airplane, I was almost ashamed to fly her.
“At least we’ll be harder to shoot down,” my copilot used to say.
I kindly disagreed, or not too kindly sometimes. As much as I liked the old Wimpy’s, they were bloody loud, and even if you look up and don’t see it right away, you could still hear it. And besides, Barnby’s stupid camouflage didn’t seem to do a very good job. Bomber Command’s airplanes were dropping like flies in those days, and I’d lost enough of my own squadron mates to know that a mere paint job wasn’t enough to keep a plane from being shot down. In fact, the flamboyant colors Barnby used on some of the bombers probably helped to catch the German’s eyes. I even told him so once.
“As an artist, I can assure you that the colors I have put on your airplane will, in fact, make it much harder to see, and not as you say, `attract Germans like a barmaid like Norma.’ You simply don’t understand colors,” was Barnby’s response.
Then I made some comment about how he was probably a queer. It seemed like the right thing to say at the time, but honestly I knew it wasn’t true. One of the most frustrating things about Barnby was his skill with women. Said he used to spend quite some time painting them before the war and there wasn’t a lady in town that he couldn’t woo if he put his mind to it. Now, every airman prides himself on his ability to pick up a woman. After all, if you don’t have the finesse and confidence to sweet talk a girl then there’s no way you could coax something like a Wimpy back to base on one engine after being shot up on a bombing run. And besides, women find something exotic and dangerous about airmen, so an RAF uniform alone can get usually the most pathetic sod a girl for the night. But Barnby really didn’t need any help. In fact, he put most of us other officers to shame. You could almost compare him to Don Juan or Casanova. I really just didn’t understand what Barnby was doing in the RAF.
Whatever my personal opinions, Barnby was an officer in the Royal Air Force, so the Queen, or someone at least, must have thought camouflage was important enough to have him around. And much as I hate to admit it, I guess there was something to the idea. But the worst part of the whole affair was that Bomber Command insisted we take Barnby up on the occasional operational flight so he could get a look at German camouflage.
I remember the first time I took Barnby up flying he got air sick and made a bloody mess. I almost couldn’t believe it, but he threw up all over the bombardier’s compartment. Still, he got over it after a couple of flights. Of course, what really irked me was that when we took him along, Barnby replaced my bombardier and my airplane simply became an observational platform. Let me tell you, there is nothing worse than carrying an artist instead of bombs on a combat mission. That stupid artist made such a racket and fainted the first time the Germans actually shot at us while he was in the plane.
Fortunately I was mostly flying night missions at that time, and there’s no point in bringing an observer along during one of those. The Germans were doing one hell of a job bombing our cities and Bomber Command kept trying to back at them, but it was really a wasted effort since our Wimpy’s weren’t suited for night flying. Oh we did our best, but the Luftwaffe had better airplanes then. That did, however, begin to change, of course, during the war as better planes came into production. Bomber Command had even promised my squadron some of the first Lancasters if we were good. That’s why I never complained about taking that stupid artist along; I was ready to do almost anything to get my hands on one of those new Lankies. Of course, I never did get to fly a Lancaster, since that stupid artist got us shot down. At least I was lucky enough to survive, unlike him.
It wasn’t anything special, just another raid on some German city with a couple of dozen bombers. We were told that we’d be attacking a small German base that shouldn’t be heavily defended. Bomber Command ordered me to take Barnby along so he could get a look at how the base was camouflaged. I wasn’t happy about it, but then, even if I didn’t like it, orders are orders. So instead of carrying bombs, I once again carried an artist.
As was far too common, Bomber Command’s intelligence proved to be terrible; the Germans spotted our raid and there were quite a few more Luftwaffe fighters in the area than we were told there would be. A single Wimpy doesn’t have many guns, but enough of them together can put awful lot of lead into the air. Unfortunately, we only had a small raiding force and no escort on that mission. Still, there were some good gunners in my squadron and in the end we took down most of the German fighters and most of the squadron made it back to base. I simply had the misfortune of carrying an artist along with me.
The bombardier’s compartment is in the nose of a Wimpy. Since the bombardier needs to be able to see, the nose has a glass bubble as well as well a bomb sight, which is why it was a perfect place for Barnby to observe from. The bombardier’s compartment also has the nose gun in it. Now, my bombardier’s a good shot, and I know he would have gotten that damn fighter, but my bombardier was on the ground. I’ll admit that Barby didn’t panic too much, and he even started shooting after I yelled at him enough. He didn’t even faint that time. But he was an artist and he his aim was terrible. The fighter that got us flew in head on and gave Barnby a perfect shot at him. I was sure even that idiot couldn’t miss something right in front of his nose, but the next thing I knew my Wimpy was missing a wing and both engines. I could have killed Barnby. Although, when I bailed out I noticed no one jumped from the nose compartment, so I guess the fighter beat me to it. Either way, I never saw him again. I also never got to fly again, since I spent the rest of the war in a POW camp. The Royal Air Force isn’t any sort of place for an artist.